I lost someone very dear to me two nights ago. It’s been an entire 48 hours that this world has kept turning without the person who was like a second dad and a best friend for as long as I can remember. I’m probably still in shock as I write this. Not fully able to process the fact that this person could actually, truly be gone.
When I got the call with the news, I kept repeating “Is this real?” because my brain had hit a wall and couldn’t process the information. But yes, it’s real. And my heart, my whole body really, hurts with an ache that leaves me short of breath. It hurts so badly that my consciousness is trying to implement every self-protection strategy possible. Distraction. Numbness. Complete denial that it’s happening. And despite this deep, utter pain and profound sense of loss, I keep coming back to this thought that I am so glad I can feel this. Some part of me feels grateful to have connected with another human on such a level that I can feel their loss so acutely. That I was able to love someone with no expectation in return, no angle, no obligation. That my love was so real that my entire body shook with the full realization of the loss of this wonderful person, this relationship.
I would so much rather feel all of this pain than close myself off. I want to love with every part of my being, knowing full well that I may be left behind, holding that love inside. I’d rather take the risk. I would rather allow myself to be vulnerable.
I want to take my time grieving this loss because I want to honor how beautiful this relationship was. How lucky I have been to have a person in my life who truly saw me for who I was. Who allowed me to be exactly all the things I am with total acceptance of my goofy, emotional, childlike, and weird self. How wonderful to have someone who would open their door to me at 3 am and fix me a welcoming breakfast. Who took the time to call and be involved. Who watched over me as I grew up, supporting me in the background, there when I reached out. Someone who would tell me the truth. Be real in every sense of the word. Absolutely genuine and loving, quirks and all.
I hope someday I can be that person for someone else. I love you, Wil. And I am going to miss you forever.